I decided to write this series in honor of the 20th Anniversary of Sexual Assault Awareness Month (SAAM) and I initially thought it would be a four part series. But, as life would have it, it'll only be a three part series. I mean, here we are in August and I’m just getting around to completing it. The month became heavier than I expected in many ways and I simply wasn’t able to execute and publish weekly the way I intended.
Although it is no longer April and posts about SAAM have become a little less frequent, May was Mental Health Awareness Month, and I was hoping for another timely post. But, here we are.
The molestation I experienced and my multiple sexual assaults affected every part of my being, especially my mental health. My sexual assaults affected all of my relationships and I wouldn’t begin understanding the impact until my late 20s. Even more deeply here in my 40s. My self-esteem, self-worth, self-value were all impacted in a harmful way. Trusting people and allowing them to get to know the real me is still difficult today. Especially with men. I found it easier to be with men that I really didn’t care anything about versus men I did care about.
To cope, I began to dissociate, I became disconnected from my body and my feelings for many years. Somehow, I would manage to journal some of my thoughts and experiences, and of course, write poetry. These were the only times I would connect to myself. I always felt different than my peers but wanted to fit in quietly. No one knew the dirty little secrets I carried inside myself.
And I would always lead with my sex appeal. I knew I was a beautiful woman, but I didn’t always see myself as a beautiful woman. I can write an entirely separate blog post on that. But so often I used my body to gain control of my relationships without realizing what I was doing exactly, I never tried to understand. And as soon as things would go left, for one reason or another, I would retreat. Cease all communication and shutdown pudda (my name for her), the punany station, withdraw and withhold sex. And I would do this for years.
This also led to attachment issues. I would find myself in relationships that mimicked the same behavioral patterns and I took center stage in them all.
This past spring taught me to look deeper into the shadows of my dating history. Investigate the relationships where the emotional, mental and spiritual depths of intimacy were truly and deliberately nurtured, much more than the physical. Exploring how disassociation, really exploring the ins and outs of my sexual relationships.
Below are a few images I found interesting and thought I would include.
I found myself in a dark place this spring. Wanting answers and tending to wounds I didn't know still caused pain to the touch. I found that I didn’t even have the tools to use in order to begin healing them. Then I discovered Breath Work with Black Girls Breathing https://www.blackgirlsbreathing.com/ and I began searching for a new therapist, which has been a Godsend.
I am currently single and trying to find my way back home. Taking a completely new route, one I haven’t traveled before. Looking to emerge as something very different, more confident and more deliberate. More patient and soft. Unbecoming my need to dominate and manipulate but to be completely present and relaxed, exploring the depths of the intimacy I need to establish for myself. And learning how not to lead with and make encounters all about sex, more consciously. Next year I hope to do a series on the different levels of intimacy after surviving molestation, sexual assault and violence.
Till next time, be good,
~ShaminaNicole