I can’t hold too many things at once. And when I say things, I mean feelings. Holding too many feelings at once for the happenings that are constantly unfolding, within and around me, becomes too much sometimes. I thought I would write this nice, New Year’s post on the third, but that didn’t happen. January was my dry month, no alcohol or anything since January first and my last day on Instagram was the sixth. I’ve been needing an IG break for some time now.
I’m learning my capacity for things. Knowing what to carry and what to compartmentalize when I can’t cope with all the things sometimes, and I mean cope in a healthy way. Wednesday, in the sunny afternoon, clear blue North Carolina skies, my mom informed me that her breast cancer was back. This is her third time receiving this diagnosis. And so, Starburst jellybeans became my comforter on this night. Along with a bit of reading (just a few pages) and television, mindlessly watching).
But, a few things I immediately noted upon waking up this lovely morning is that I am thankful for being here and knowing my God is faithful. And then, before showering, I weighed myself and saw that I’ve gained two more pounds instead of losing them. I didn’t beat myself up about it, but weighing myself weekly, until I reach my desired weight, aids as a reminder to stay on task with my eating habits and health goals. I also thought about how I haven’t spoken about how difficult it can sometimes be, to not lean into old habits, especially old habits that don’t serve me well, like overindulging in sweets.
Today I was reminded that everything begins in our minds. Our mindset encourages and influences our behaviors and everything in between. My mom exhibits such a magnificent resilience to the hands she's been dealt. Always operating from her truth and authenticity without apology and it’s always been admired. I also know she gets lonely and scared sometimes too and I’m thankful to be in a position to support her better than I’ve been equipped to in the past. My moms zest and zeal for living are uncanny, but yet, this has been devasting news for our family.
I know these writings are a bit scattered but I simply had to share with you some of, “Mina’s Mental Murmurings,” as I’ve been affectionately naming my thoughts these days. Remember to carry what you can, what you have the capacity for and offer yourself grace for what you can’t on any given day. However, allow the dawning of a new day to inspire you to move through with a thankfulness and a knowingness that you are still present for many reasons, and some reasons have yet to be revealed. And today, I am giving thanks for a fresh wind. A wind that has calmed my breath, one that has renewed my spirit, refueled my faith and has put my hopes and prayers on high.
Keep holding on and Happy New Year and happy new month! The continuation of last year and the day after, the day after, as it continues.
Shamina
P.S.
If you subscribe to Apple Music, be sure to take a listen to the:
Life Lines for You: A Soul Relaxing Playlist:
Some things that have been helpful to me lately:
Cooking, testing new recipes, specifically Mediterranean diet recipes, and Pinterest has been my go to https://pin.it/lJEOfyt61.
Mindfulness, practicing mindful eating (savoring a piece of fruit, I think about how it made its way to me, the famers, etc., breathwork and meditation https://drive.google.com/file/d/1q1ErX6nqHW19-BlS-6AxGvVmTpnvlPow/view and meditative body scans https://depts.washington.edu/abrc/mbrp/recordings/1_Body_Scan.mp3.
Podcasts, particularly Don't Tap Out Tap In, Elevation with Steven Furtick https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/elevation-with-steven-furtick/id216015753?i=1000642428770, Retire Anxious Habits, You Need To Hear This with Nedra Glover Tawwab, https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/you-need-to-hear-this-with-nedra-tawwab/id1686288228?i=1000643847454 Healing from Emotionally Immature Parents, Disentangling from Emotionally Immature People, episodes 262 &264 1&2 We Can Do Hard Things with Lindsy C. Gibson https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/we-can-do-hard-things/id1564530722?i=1000637517353; https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/we-can-do-hard-things/id1564530722?i=1000637763210