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Healing is Hard AF, Sometimes

Listen…I didn’t begin healing from some of my terrible awfuls until my very late 20s. One of the biggest hurdles I first had to contend with was my anger. I was angry about every damn thing and didn’t have the self-awareness to recognize it. Not even after a few arrests I had because of it.

I was in a relationship with a man that literally, sent me to therapy. And while I thought I was led to therapy behind the circumstances of the relationship, God had other plans. My suppressed memories of my childhood molestation, date rapes, other sexual offenses, and teenage dating violence had reemerged and sent me into a tailspin.

It was hard to self-regulate my emotions and it was ruining my relationships. My relationships with friends, lovers, and even with employers. I even had a hard time keeping a steady job. Alex Elle spoke of this in her book, After the Rain, and I could totally relate.

But during my tailspin, while in therapy, as much as I wanted to retreat, facing my ugly truths began to unearth so many why’s. Why I reacted the way I did at times, identifying what triggered certain behaviors. Like when I felt manipulated, ignored, controlled, unsupported, trapped even. But what was truly freeing and life-changing is when my therapist validated me by telling me none of what I endured was my fault. My therapist at the time, took my hands in her own, after asking my consent before doing so. She looked me in my eyes and assured me that, I, was not responsible, in any way, for the things that I had survived.

Nevertheless, what I’ve leaned into is that on some days my healing is light and airy, where I feel everything is alright in the world and I am managing and coping just fine. Because our healing journey isn’t always this deep cathartic experience. On other days, I am an absolute wreck and my healing is still ongoing, still working through pieces of my past and on those days my healing is hard AF, but our healing is worth the hard days.

Make sure you are making and creating peace, offering yourself grace and mercy, and learning how to live within those spaces! Because we are often healing from grief associated with all types of loss, heartache and heartbreak and we are deserving of soft landings.

Love, light, and kindness,


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