Sex After Sexual Assault
Most of us were taught, inadvertently, that how we felt, didn't matter.
We were taught to grit and bear it, stop crying, that didn't hurt, I was only joking, you're too sensitive.
So we learned to stuff our emotions deep down inside, to compartmentalize, tuck our feelings away nice and neat. Never being allowed to express and explore the full range of our emotions. Never being asked why we felt how we did.
Some find this a trivial matter. Until, something triggers you, and all of what you stuffed away boils to the surface and bubbles over into something that looks like anger, frustration, agitation, because we never had the opportunity to release what we needed to during the moments we should have. I realized that I had tucked away so many of my feelings after years of sexual abuse that I had never shared with anyone. The shame, the guilt, the pain I carried, never taking the time to deal with all that I had hidden.
Women have a tendency to keep a lot of our tasks, appointments, kids' schedules in our heads. But there is something freeing about being intentional in writing things down, especially when it comes to exploring the emotions that come up in our bodies.
We often don’t take the time to explore the full range of our emotions. We often don’t explore why I got mad at my partner for not bringing me home the item from the grocery store I asked for, or why my daughter didn’t make her bed this morning as I asked her to do.
I visited Indonesia and Taiwan In April of 2019. Visiting Bali unearthed me. It freed me in ways I can’t even describe. At the time my word for the trip became weightless. But what I realized is that my spirit was reconnected to the childhood me, before my sexual traumas. My heart was happy, operating from sheer joy. My experience in Bali unearthed my inquisition, my curiosity, it unearthed another level of love for myself, my confidence. The atmosphere spoke to me, told me to look at my strengths and stand in them and say job well down. The experience unearthed my sexy, I fell in love with my body in a way that honored it, instead of judging it. I was reminded that I was worthy of great experiences and luxury if that’s even the word I’m looking for. Our stay included a villa with round-the-clock staff, I mean, I couldn't even fix my own coffee. I was reminded that I am worthy of great service.
And if I’m really being honest, there’s been this energy shift occurring since I hit my 40s. The clothes I purchased for travel were unlike any items I’d previously packed on trips. For instance, I had purchased my first, Eva, two-piece bathing suit. I was nervous and excited at the same time! But also like, why has it taken me until I was almost 42 years old before feeling comfortable and confident in my own body and in a two-piece suit?
My relationship with my trauma had me living in constant response to it, instead of being fully empowered by all that I had actually overcome and accomplished thus far.
I was mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically in alignment and it seemed God knew just what He had in store. I reflect on my time in Bali and in Tapei often. Between the dining experiences, visiting temples that Confucius once did, hiking in the middle of mountains and forests, yoga in Ubud and traditional Balinese massage and coffee scrub, fresh dragon fruit every morn, my spirit for life was reborn.
My voice still shakes when I begin telling all of my stories, so many surrounding sexual abuse, but they are my stories and I am here able to tell them all, as I see fit. Stay tuned for what I reveal next week.
Love and light,
Shamina