I began experiencing sexual abuse when I was around 8 or 9 yrs old and it continued until my first perpetrator actually penetrated me a few years later. I still have a hard time saying he raped me. My childhood crushes would then, be turned into me being crushed by more of the same experiences. Whether it was because of peer pressure by their peers or simply their sheer ignorance and perpetrating behaviors.
I will never understand how cries of me yelling please stop; I do not want to do this fell on deaf ears, repeatedly, all before the age of 18. Moreover, I would just live my life as if nothing had ever happened to me. By the time I started having consensual sexual relationships, I simply thought sex was the thing to do. Because you liked someone, they liked you, and when the opportunity presented itself, it is just what was supposed to happen next.
All the while, I was pretty empty inside and my feelings for the boys (and men) I entertained were fleeting and so very tainted. I would genuinely fall for the guys, but would either become disinterested early on, or they simply lacked loyalty and some would go on to violate me sexually and/or physically.
Because of all of these experiences, I never fully took the time to discover who I was or what I liked, especially sexually. I would not begin exploring my vulnerabilities and opening up about my past until my late twenties when I found myself in professional counseling for the second time in my life. I will share what first sent me to therapy soon enough.
I would not begin learning myself sexually until I was in my thirties. Sounds crazy right? To be sexualized so early, before ever understanding what sex really was truly stunted my growth in so many ways. Many survivors of sexual abuse, sexual violence, rape, do not often disclose much about the challenges faced with our sexual relationships and intimacy, but I feel it’s time we do. This is why I labeled this blog series “Sex AFTER Sexual Assault.
Until next time,
Shamina